ALAMAK! - how to deal with mistakes

We as humans often find ourselves in the midst of mistakes - be it preventable or not.

In Scott Berkun's article, he discusses how we can actually know mistakes, how to pro-actively prevent them and yet not over compensate.

For readers who want the summary, here goes:

The Learning From Mistakes Checklist

•  Accepting responsibility makes learning possible.
• Don't equate making mistakes with being a mistake.
• You can't change mistakes, but you can choose how to respond to them.
• Growth starts when you can see room for improvement.
• Work to understand why it happened and what the factors were.
• What information could have avoided the mistake?
• What small mistakes, in sequence, contributed to the bigger mistake?
• Are there alternatives you should have considered but did not?
• What kinds of changes are required to avoid making this mistake again?What kinds of change are difficult for you?
• How do you think your behavior should/would change in you were in a similar situation again?
• Work to understand the mistake until you can make fun of it (or not want to kill others that make fun).
• Don't over-compensate: the next situation won't be the same as the last.

For the full article, read here - Lifehacker Link

Get ON with It Part 2

In the 2nd part of this series, we deal with what most people encounter the most - Grief.

I am sure many of our readers have experienced the loss of a loved one - be it a family member, a close friend, a distant relative or your most beloved pet. There are often feelings of intense sorrows and grief, and most of the time you just feel like shutting yourself to the world and cringe at a corner and weep.

I myself have experienced the loss of two loved ones, when I am old enough to know what the death of a relative felt like. It felt awful. According to some masculinity belief that men in general are not meant to weep as readily as females, I personally wept for a couple of days straight when my grandfather passed away. Due to school commitments, there was no way I could fly over and attend his funeral. All I could do was weep and weep and weep. I spent nights sobbing myself to sleep, and for those who were observant enough my eyebags were horrible during that period.

There are 3 main things that helped me move on after that intense period of sorrow:

1) It is perfectly okay to feel grief. An interesting author by the name of SARK spelled this out very well:

Grieving is not something to "get over" as much as it is to "get into". If we rush grief, it piles up at a distant place and will revisit you someday when it gets massive. If we dwell too long, we get lost in it, and eventually get consumed by it. If we try to skip over grief, we find it impossible. If we hate our grief, it will maneuvre our love. If we allow our grieving, and practice it, we can shift, change and transform.

Grieving in my opinion is a process that is inevitable. Accept the fact that the person is loss physically, and that it is fine to feel sad and mourn the loss. It is only human that we feel a sense of lossness and sadness, and hence give yourself some time to grief. Write down the things that you will miss doing with him/her, his/her familar smiles, his/her mannerisms, his/her favorite foods, or any special bond that you share with him/her. Don't worry if you start crying uncontrollably, it is normal and part of the healing process.

2) Notice the care and concern that people render to you, and be thankful. In such difficult periods, it is important to not close yourself up and talk to your close friends or siblings about it. Preferably someone who can lend a listening ear and not judge.

I myself was fortunate enough to have a couple of close friends who called me everyday during that period to check if I was okay, and sent me messages now and then. Even more surprising was that some friends whom I don't see or talk to often sent words of condolences, which helped me to live through the difficult period of loss.

3) When you are ready, move on. Learn to find hope and opportunity. Transform your mentality in regards to the loss of the loved one. I personally found it to be very useful to do a certain checklist of hope and moving forward: what have you learnt from him/her that you can take away and live on with your life, opportunities that enabled you to be or want to be a better person, doing away with the fears of awaiting his/her death, and more importantly, learning to receive help and support from others.

The last step is especially important, as you open your heart to receive help. Learning to receive help is not at all making yourself look vulnerable - it makes you an open and a person of emotions and feelings. Always take it in a positive manner.

And for those who are offering kind words, do also take note that your words to a grieving person are very important, again taken from SARK:

THINGS TO SAY TO A GRIEVING PERSON:

a) That you will be there and will possibly find him/her if he/she needs you.
b) Fill him/her with love, and that you would want to share your love with him/her
c) Acknowledge his/her moment of grief, pain and loss.

THINGS NOT TO SAY TO A GRIEVING PERSON
a) It's for the best, at least they are not suffering - who told you they were?
b) How old were they? Oh, at least they led a long life - I wished they had lived longer though.
c) I know how you feel. My dog died ... - It is not and never will be the same feeling. Leave me alone.
d) Let us know if there is anything we can do - well, nice of you to say that, but I won't have the guts to call you for help in this period, it is better if you can approach me directly.

Here is to all those who lost their loved ones, be happy, be thankful of the times you had with them, and learn to let go and move on. Live with new strength from them, and at the same time, miss them and keep them in your mind.

Just Get ON With It! - Ep 1

Hi Dearest readers,

I will be starting a new multi-episode series for you guys, for you to improve your lives and attain whatever you want to achieve. This mini-series is adapted from a book I read recently - Just Get On With It by Ali Campbell, who is an NLP master and life coach. It focusses how to turn things around, put things in your control and move forward in life. I will be summarising and extracting important pieces of information here and there, so that you can have quick lessons while reading this article. Recommended read! - Mathew

Episode 1: Knowing that you have a choice

Many people are often stuck in the doldrums, feeling fed up with their current life - everyday has become a drag. Monotonous and mundane office work is the main source of stress in the workplace, and in recent years, it has become an inevitable that the average shirted employee has to handle.

To break free of this virtual cuffs, you have to embrace the fact that you have a choice.

To put things in perspective, many people are helplessly holding on to their jobs, and saying that "if I don't work here, I can't pay my bills, I can't support my family, I can't get my home loan, I can't support my car instalments, etc..." All these are the main woes that are invisibly cording people in the workforce to stay in their jobs, tolerate nonsensical superiors and endless deadlines.

If you are one of those that are nodding your heads, then you probably need a gentle kick in the ass, and to do that, you need an awakening. Now, write down on a piece of paper the following:

How else I could be doing to support myself other than what I'm doing now:

1. ________________________
2. ________________________
3. ________________________

It shouldn't take you very long, in fact, you can complete this exercise in under 5 minutes. As you can see, it wasn't that hard. You can be doing so many other jobs, (albeit it may pay lower), but hey, you do have a choice, and so you're not exactly "bound" to your job after all.

Now that you realise you do have choices, you have turned your current situation from an external problem to an internal decision. A clear answer to the question of which is simpler would be to ask yourself: is it easier to change something that you have control over, or something that you are totally helpless with.

Understanding and training your mind to think that you are in control, problems that are within your locus, is the first step to stepping out of the box that you've been trapped in for the past few years. Continue to train yourself and think about how many difficulties and situations can be controlled by you, and soon, you will be a freer person.

This, of course, is just the first step in enlightenment. I will share more in the next lesson, which will be focussed on how to stop bluffing yourself.

What you should not discount

Shopping is one of the favorite past time among the locals. After all, Singapore is known as a shopping haven. While we are relatively large spenders, one might often encounter situations when you or your friend drop statements like "this is too expensive, I cannot afford this."

This statement is usually not true. The item in question may be pricey, but when one makes such a statement, more often than not, he or she has the required amount of money sitting in the bank. The actual issue is whether or not, one is willing to fork out the money to purchase the item.

Why is this bad then?

The phrase "cannot afford" is naturally self-demeaning. It erodes your confidence without you even realizing it. In making that statement, you are discounting your own merits and strengths before anyone even make any judgement on you!

We love discounts, but never discount yourself!

To put it in numbers, for example, if you rate yourself 10/10, and someone else gives you a 7/10, your overall "compounded" score will be 70/100 (derived from 10/10 x 7/10). However, if you decide to give yourself a discount before that, say, 8/10, and your friend rates you 7/10 again, you will barely achieve a pass with 56/100!* 

So next time you see something out of your budget, do yourself a favor, say "I can afford it, but I choose not to."

*For those who have trouble understanding why the overall score is compounded, try looking it at this way: If you discount yourself, the amount confidence will be lowered and you will be presenting your "discounted" self to others. From the the other party's point of view, he will then judge you based on your "discounted" self. That is why the score is compounded instead of a simple addition.

3 Things I Learnt Before My Plane Crashed

When disaster strikes, things change in an instant, just before it all ends.

Ric Elias shares his thoughts on 3 things that he learnt, just before his plane crashed in the Hudson River in 2009.

a) You should never postpone anything in your life.
b) Don't let your ego in. Don't do things that don't matter, with people that matter. Don't force yourself to be right, choose to be happy.
c) Don't be afraid of death, embrace it, and treasure your loved ones.

Readers, don't reflect and regret when you are about to die, live differently, and change your life and relationships, before you really can't undo.

Are you living YOUR life?

Had Steve lived the life of someone else, had he allowed the noise of others to drown out his inner voice, had he not have the courage to follow his heart, would he be who he is today? Would he still be able to touch millions and millions of people on Earth?

Actually..., I have no idea. Nobody knows.

But, one thing for sure. Deep down in your heart, you will definitely be happier.

When you do what you want to do, when you get what you want to get - the world seems to become a better place. Agree? That is how I feel, personally, when my decision to follow my heart proved to be a better choice. Of course, not at the expense of other's happiness, but adding on to the happiness and positivity of the people around me.

Positivity begets positivity. When you feel happy doing the things you like, others can naturally feel it, and soon, they will begin to support you doing the things you like instead of objecting to what you do. The opposite is true. When people feel that you are unhappy, sometimes they try to "help" by pointing you in all sorts of direction.

Nobody owes you a living. You must FIGHT to live your life your way, FIGHT to keep your dreams, and FIGHT to be happy.

Bookend Routines

It's already 2am in the morning.

You had planned to take your dog out for a walk, go for a short run, meet up with friends, pick up some breakfast for tomorrow, spend some time reading that article that you have backdated for a month.

Yet, none of these had been done.

You swear to yourself: Damn, I better make good this routine tomorrow!

Doesn't this sound so familiar to you? Day in and day out you have plans to achieve so many things, yet you end up being backposted everyday.

The solution? A Bookend Routine.

What this does, is a set of to-do tasks everyday before the start of your work, and before the end of the day.

Brett and Kate Mckay explains how to prepare yourself for a vigorous routine before and after work, just to make sure you get things done effectively, routinely and systematically.

[Link] Bookend your day - The power of Morning and Evening Routines