Get ON with It Part 2

In the 2nd part of this series, we deal with what most people encounter the most - Grief.

I am sure many of our readers have experienced the loss of a loved one - be it a family member, a close friend, a distant relative or your most beloved pet. There are often feelings of intense sorrows and grief, and most of the time you just feel like shutting yourself to the world and cringe at a corner and weep.

I myself have experienced the loss of two loved ones, when I am old enough to know what the death of a relative felt like. It felt awful. According to some masculinity belief that men in general are not meant to weep as readily as females, I personally wept for a couple of days straight when my grandfather passed away. Due to school commitments, there was no way I could fly over and attend his funeral. All I could do was weep and weep and weep. I spent nights sobbing myself to sleep, and for those who were observant enough my eyebags were horrible during that period.

There are 3 main things that helped me move on after that intense period of sorrow:

1) It is perfectly okay to feel grief. An interesting author by the name of SARK spelled this out very well:

Grieving is not something to "get over" as much as it is to "get into". If we rush grief, it piles up at a distant place and will revisit you someday when it gets massive. If we dwell too long, we get lost in it, and eventually get consumed by it. If we try to skip over grief, we find it impossible. If we hate our grief, it will maneuvre our love. If we allow our grieving, and practice it, we can shift, change and transform.

Grieving in my opinion is a process that is inevitable. Accept the fact that the person is loss physically, and that it is fine to feel sad and mourn the loss. It is only human that we feel a sense of lossness and sadness, and hence give yourself some time to grief. Write down the things that you will miss doing with him/her, his/her familar smiles, his/her mannerisms, his/her favorite foods, or any special bond that you share with him/her. Don't worry if you start crying uncontrollably, it is normal and part of the healing process.

2) Notice the care and concern that people render to you, and be thankful. In such difficult periods, it is important to not close yourself up and talk to your close friends or siblings about it. Preferably someone who can lend a listening ear and not judge.

I myself was fortunate enough to have a couple of close friends who called me everyday during that period to check if I was okay, and sent me messages now and then. Even more surprising was that some friends whom I don't see or talk to often sent words of condolences, which helped me to live through the difficult period of loss.

3) When you are ready, move on. Learn to find hope and opportunity. Transform your mentality in regards to the loss of the loved one. I personally found it to be very useful to do a certain checklist of hope and moving forward: what have you learnt from him/her that you can take away and live on with your life, opportunities that enabled you to be or want to be a better person, doing away with the fears of awaiting his/her death, and more importantly, learning to receive help and support from others.

The last step is especially important, as you open your heart to receive help. Learning to receive help is not at all making yourself look vulnerable - it makes you an open and a person of emotions and feelings. Always take it in a positive manner.

And for those who are offering kind words, do also take note that your words to a grieving person are very important, again taken from SARK:

THINGS TO SAY TO A GRIEVING PERSON:

a) That you will be there and will possibly find him/her if he/she needs you.
b) Fill him/her with love, and that you would want to share your love with him/her
c) Acknowledge his/her moment of grief, pain and loss.

THINGS NOT TO SAY TO A GRIEVING PERSON
a) It's for the best, at least they are not suffering - who told you they were?
b) How old were they? Oh, at least they led a long life - I wished they had lived longer though.
c) I know how you feel. My dog died ... - It is not and never will be the same feeling. Leave me alone.
d) Let us know if there is anything we can do - well, nice of you to say that, but I won't have the guts to call you for help in this period, it is better if you can approach me directly.

Here is to all those who lost their loved ones, be happy, be thankful of the times you had with them, and learn to let go and move on. Live with new strength from them, and at the same time, miss them and keep them in your mind.